Popcorn

Last week was truly ROUGH. I hit a moment where I lost hope entirely and saw the rest of my life very, very bleakly. I cried in the subway, for which I apologize to anyone who may have seen and may have been perturbed. I kept it together during the walk home, but as soon as my key clicked open the lock I started sobbing. Heaving and howling. Dribbling and snotting. Like that one scene from Eastenders all those years ago.

I'm chugging along towards the next decade of my life and would have hoped to have a calm, steady life by now but it seems to allude me. Instead I'm on a freaking ROLLERCOASTER that just keeps accelerating and adding special effects for good measure. But, as my mom would say whenever I'd cry on her shoulder about some boy who'd broken my heart, at least you know you're alive! And I do, I do feel so alive. And nauseous. And terrified a lot of the time.

The snotty heaving crying helped. As did some sense-talking from a friend. And commiserating tut-tuts and head-shakes from my family on Skype. And a noble, valiant proposal from someone very dear to me.And tonight I finally have found some peace. And hope. But not too much. Just enough to feel peace. I've almost finished writing my thingy, my kids are softly snoozing in their beds, shirts off, arms akimbo, cheeks flushed from this random tropicality. I saw a dear friend today, we put the kids in front of a movie on the big screen downstairs, gave 'em popcorn and ducked into the kitchen to natter non-stop for an hour and a half... heaven.

There may be trouble ahead but this weekend of love and warmth has given me enough peace to not feel freaked out in the slightest!

Joy

2009 has already brought me much joy and anticipated joy. Today, however, blew, so thought I'd remind myself of the good times so far to cheer myself up.

Ten Happy Things

1. My kids are snuggaliscious. Sorry to be gooey but I do love cuddling them so much and I love watching them grow up: brave little people navigating life in The Big Smoke. 

2. I have become a social smoker: I can actually take about 6 drags in the drizzling rain with the stinky quasi-hipsters and remember how it once all was. Then I feel sick and have to stomp the cigarette with the heel of my boot and face the fact that mommyhood has usurped rebellion or just general common sense. Sigh. Still!

3. I believe in love. I see love around me, in the hummingbirds on a cake, on my cellphone screen, in my parents' faces on Skype, in old photos and new ones. 

4. Baila, my frolleague, my fellow warrior in all things romantic, I mean fellow gender scholar- since we joined forces things never seem so bad any more. 

5. The foods the NY Times listed as being the cheapest are actually also my favs: beets and oatmeal, for example. So I'm going to ride this depression train with nary a growl in my belly.

6. Melatonin: no more sleep startles. I welcome back deep, uninterrupted sleep with open arms and bright eyes. 

7. I've almost thought of 10 happy things.

8. A room of my own, my sanctuary, my den, my womb, my palace- how I love thee. 

9. My new Camper boots that make me dream about leaping onto a horse and galloping off into the misty English countryside to meet the tall, dark, groundsman down the lane. 

10. Other people's blogs: stepping well outside my normal 5 mile radius, virtually at least, exploring the lives and minds of others- just connecting, basically. 

Happy and healthy 2009 to you and to me. 

Getting Ready to Leave

It's almost my anniversary. It's almost one year ago that I decided my marriage was beyond repair and that I was in fact in danger- in danger of disappearing, emotionally at least. I decided I did not want my children to grow up with a mother who was constantly anxious and depressed because of her volatile marriage. Or to grow up being afraid of their dad's temper.

I've been unraveling myself from that marriage, that life, for almost a year now. I savor my freedom from fear every day. There are plenty of court battles still looming on the horizon and delicate situations to navigate with my children, though. I hope this blog will help me process this last year and maybe it will me connect with people in similar situations... 

Today's blog is for people who have decided that enough is enough and are going to leave. I'm talking about leaving an abusive situation where all trust and respect has broken down. You need to leave, now you want to know how to get out intact. You might have children you need to take with you. You might have told him (or her) you need to leave, but that didn't go over well and now you're anxious or afraid about getting out in one piece (even if that means with your children). Here's some advice I was told and some lessons I've learned about getting ready to leave:

1. Plan for your children first, if you have 'em. Think of where to go that's safe and clean and that you can make cozy for them. Think about the essentials you would take with you to help ease the transition to a new place- favorite toys, books, pajamas... When you do go, you'll need to dig very deeply and be there for them no matter how much you're grieving inside. They'll need to know you and their dad (mom) still love them and will always take care of them. Never look to your children for comfort, that's not their responsibility. Never make children feel guilty for continuing to love the person you've left. Children should be able to feel loyalty to both parents no matter how bad things get. 
2. Go talk to a divorce lawyer and tell them your plans. Make sure everything you do from this day on is legal- there might ugly battles up ahead and doing everything by the book can only work in your favor. 
3. Copy any financial documents and get them to your lawyer before you leave. Once you have left you might not be able to access them any more, but you'll need hard info if it comes down to child support and alimony fights. 
4. Copy any legal documents and stash them somewhere for when you leave: social security cards, health insurance, passports, school documents. You'll need this information when you set up your new life. 
5. Think about moving day. Who will help you move? How much will you be able to bring with you? If this is the last time you'll ever be in this house, what must you take with you now? Photo albums, jewelry, letters, favorite books, favorite clothes, laptop, music? 
6. Open a new bank account that the person you're leaving cannot access. Try to get enough funds in there to pay some rent and emergency costs. Be very frugal with this money. 
7. Tell someone. Let trusted people know what your leaving plans are in detail. Warn the police if necessary- now is the time to be safe rather than sorry. 

That's it for now. I'm sure in 5 minutes from now when I'm walking down the street I'll remember something crucial I've left out here... or maybe you have something I left out?