Getting Ready to Leave

It's almost my anniversary. It's almost one year ago that I decided my marriage was beyond repair and that I was in fact in danger- in danger of disappearing, emotionally at least. I decided I did not want my children to grow up with a mother who was constantly anxious and depressed because of her volatile marriage. Or to grow up being afraid of their dad's temper.

I've been unraveling myself from that marriage, that life, for almost a year now. I savor my freedom from fear every day. There are plenty of court battles still looming on the horizon and delicate situations to navigate with my children, though. I hope this blog will help me process this last year and maybe it will me connect with people in similar situations... 

Today's blog is for people who have decided that enough is enough and are going to leave. I'm talking about leaving an abusive situation where all trust and respect has broken down. You need to leave, now you want to know how to get out intact. You might have children you need to take with you. You might have told him (or her) you need to leave, but that didn't go over well and now you're anxious or afraid about getting out in one piece (even if that means with your children). Here's some advice I was told and some lessons I've learned about getting ready to leave:

1. Plan for your children first, if you have 'em. Think of where to go that's safe and clean and that you can make cozy for them. Think about the essentials you would take with you to help ease the transition to a new place- favorite toys, books, pajamas... When you do go, you'll need to dig very deeply and be there for them no matter how much you're grieving inside. They'll need to know you and their dad (mom) still love them and will always take care of them. Never look to your children for comfort, that's not their responsibility. Never make children feel guilty for continuing to love the person you've left. Children should be able to feel loyalty to both parents no matter how bad things get. 
2. Go talk to a divorce lawyer and tell them your plans. Make sure everything you do from this day on is legal- there might ugly battles up ahead and doing everything by the book can only work in your favor. 
3. Copy any financial documents and get them to your lawyer before you leave. Once you have left you might not be able to access them any more, but you'll need hard info if it comes down to child support and alimony fights. 
4. Copy any legal documents and stash them somewhere for when you leave: social security cards, health insurance, passports, school documents. You'll need this information when you set up your new life. 
5. Think about moving day. Who will help you move? How much will you be able to bring with you? If this is the last time you'll ever be in this house, what must you take with you now? Photo albums, jewelry, letters, favorite books, favorite clothes, laptop, music? 
6. Open a new bank account that the person you're leaving cannot access. Try to get enough funds in there to pay some rent and emergency costs. Be very frugal with this money. 
7. Tell someone. Let trusted people know what your leaving plans are in detail. Warn the police if necessary- now is the time to be safe rather than sorry. 

That's it for now. I'm sure in 5 minutes from now when I'm walking down the street I'll remember something crucial I've left out here... or maybe you have something I left out?