Popcorn

Last week was truly ROUGH. I hit a moment where I lost hope entirely and saw the rest of my life very, very bleakly. I cried in the subway, for which I apologize to anyone who may have seen and may have been perturbed. I kept it together during the walk home, but as soon as my key clicked open the lock I started sobbing. Heaving and howling. Dribbling and snotting. Like that one scene from Eastenders all those years ago.

I'm chugging along towards the next decade of my life and would have hoped to have a calm, steady life by now but it seems to allude me. Instead I'm on a freaking ROLLERCOASTER that just keeps accelerating and adding special effects for good measure. But, as my mom would say whenever I'd cry on her shoulder about some boy who'd broken my heart, at least you know you're alive! And I do, I do feel so alive. And nauseous. And terrified a lot of the time.

The snotty heaving crying helped. As did some sense-talking from a friend. And commiserating tut-tuts and head-shakes from my family on Skype. And a noble, valiant proposal from someone very dear to me.And tonight I finally have found some peace. And hope. But not too much. Just enough to feel peace. I've almost finished writing my thingy, my kids are softly snoozing in their beds, shirts off, arms akimbo, cheeks flushed from this random tropicality. I saw a dear friend today, we put the kids in front of a movie on the big screen downstairs, gave 'em popcorn and ducked into the kitchen to natter non-stop for an hour and a half... heaven.

There may be trouble ahead but this weekend of love and warmth has given me enough peace to not feel freaked out in the slightest!